Youth Ministry

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Idolizing the Ideal and Idealizing Idols


If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. CS Lewis

John Calvin stated in the Institutes that man’s heart is an idol factory. We spend our lives setting people, places, things, goals, jobs, whatever, on the pedestal of our hearts. We give them our time, our loyalty, our money and control of our actions and attitudes.

We then expect our idols to meet our needs. People should love us unconditionally, meet our every need and never fail us. Jobs should fulfill us and allow us to reach our financial goals. Homes should make us happy. Social circles should fill our every free moment. Food should comfort without creating unhealthy bodies. Because we have given these people or things our worship, we expect them to be worthy of our worship. We expect our gods to behave like God.

For a while that may occur. The person showers you with a rush of love and affection and attention. The job launches you into an adrenaline high and maybe even a new tax bracket. The friends are fun and make you feel like the life of the party. The smaller jeans make you feel confident. The extra helping of dinner or desert makes you feel comforted.

But then one day the person fails you. The job gets tough. The friends aren’t there in the hard time like they were in the good. The jeans get tight. The food doesn’t fill the hole in your heart. The idol doesn’t fulfill your expectation of meeting your need perfectly. So you work to get more of it. Surely more of a good thing is better, right? It doesn’t take long on the idol cycle to learn that no person, place or thing can stay on your pedestal without a lot of help from you. It takes a lot of excusing, overlooking and enabling to keep an idol in a place of worship. It takes a lot of work to keep an idol worthy of a position of worship.

Too bad we miss the fact that the God of the universe, the one our hearts were made to crave, does not need our help in the least to stay on that pedestal of worship. The Perfect One is worthy of our worship all on His own. We have no need of idealizing the Ideal.

When we place our focus of worship on the One True Object of worship, it frees us up to worship Him with reckless abandon. When we aren’t using our hands to tightly hold onto our idol, they are free to be raised in worship. When we aren’t using our mind to rationalize the pain and heartache caused by our idol, we are free to think well of Him and worship Him with our minds. When we aren’t spending our time chasing after relationships and things that are never fulfilling, we can spend our time drinking deeply from the well that never runs dry.

I find myself spending a lot of time and effort idealizing things I believe I am lacking. Keeping idols worthy of worship is exhausting. It’s unfair to place those expectations on those we place on our pedestals and unrealistic for any object. When I return my focus to what I have been given, I see that my true object of worship has supplied my every need in Christ Jesus. There is no need for multitasking when God alone is the object of our worship.

Worshiping God is easier because we do not have to work to idealize our object of worship. He is ideal in and of Himself, freeing us up to simply worship.

What idols are you exhausting yourself attempting to idealize? How can you free up your heart and mind to simply idolize the ideal instead of attempting to idealize your idols?

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Tweens and Facebook


A friend of mine posted the link to this blog today and the author states quite clearly my feelings concerning tweens with facebook accounts. There are children as young as 8 or 9 with facebook accounts, and the legal agreement for facebook clearly states account holders must be over the age of 13. This is me stepping on the toes of everyone I know who has a child under the age of 13 with a Facebook account, but this lady has a point. Cracks in integrity show up in the “small” things long before they show up in the “big” ones. Teach your children to live above reproach in the smallest of things. Scripture teaches we will be trusted with the big things when we prove ourselves faithful in the small.

Not only is it an integrity issue, but it is a relationship issue as well. Adults have enough trouble defining relationships; why add to the struggles of a late elementary school or middle school student by giving them another misuse of the word “friend” and just one more place for them to torture one another socially?

I by no means believe that all parents who have children under 13 are purposefully teaching their children to be deceptive. I know that 9 times out of 10 I check yes to agree with the terms of service without ever reading them. But ignorance does not release us from responsibility. The question remains: now that you are aware, what will you do?

If you were aware of the policy and ignored it, and being called out makes you mad, I do not apologize this time. But I do pray that you will look past your anger or frustration and prayerfully consider the example you are setting for your child. Are you living above reproach or are you passively teaching your children it’s ok to break the rules if you think no one is going to get hurt?

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“There aren’t any unbroken people.”


Great article by Scott Davis on the Exodus International Blog:

“My generation, and those coming after us, are sexually broken. Not just pedophiles and rapists. Not just gays and lesbians. All of us. Our culture is hyper-sexualized: why aren’t we speaking about it at least as frankly on Sunday mornings as they do on network television during “family hours?” Our church members are broken sexually in every way imaginable: can we give them the grace to bring their brokenness out into the light without condemnation?”

Read more here.

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The Redeeming Qualities of Edward Cullen


When I taught a middle school girls Sunday school class, we used to play what I referred to as the Good/Bad Game. I would describe something, usually a common situation taken to an extreme, and then identify what was good and what was bad. By taking a situation to its logical end and setting things in black and white terms of good and bad, it helps us make decisions in the all-too-common gray areas of life. It was an exercise intended to help them guard the intentions of their heart so they would learn to keep good things good by keeping them ordered correctly in their lives. It also was good to teach them how to find the redeeming qualities from any part of life; sort of a practical separation of the wheat from the chaff. It is a good thing to do because it keeps us from being blinded by the shortcomings of the things we like and prevents us from overlooking the good in the things we dislike.

I bring up the Good/Bad Game because I have been informed by some of my friends that I demonized poor Edward Cullen by only warning of the extreme danger instead of teaching girls how to enjoy this fictional saga in a right manner. In light of that accurate and constructive criticism, I offer to my readers the Twilight version of the Good/Bad Game.

If you enjoy reading Twilight because you enjoy creativity and good story line and you enjoy being transported to a different world for a time, that’s GOOD.
If you enjoy reading Twilight because it is an escape from reality and you wish it was your reality, that’s BAD.

If you’ve read it more than once because you missed some good details the first time, that’s GOOD.
If you’ve read it more than 5 times and have memorized large chucks to use as a comparison to all the men you date or because you can’t go to sleep at night without reading it, that’s BAD.

If you look for a boyfriend like Edward because he steadfastly protected Bella’s honor and refused to have a heavily sexualized relationship until after they were married, that’s GOOD.
If you look for a boyfriend like Edward because you want to find someone who so completes your soul that you would rather die than live without them, that’s BAD.

If you wish your husband was a little more like Edward because Edward had moments of endearing and self-sacrificial love, that’s GOOD.
If you wish your husband was a little more like Edward because Edward was willing to sacrifice even common sense and Bella’s health and well-being to ensure her happiness, that’s BAD.

If you think Edward demonstrated love toward Bella because he protected her from harm, that’s GOOD.
If you think Edward demonstrated love toward Bella by controlling what she wore and who she hung out with and where she went, that’s BAD.

If you love Edward because he met Bella’s physical needs and spoiled her a little to show his love for his lady, that’s GOOD.
If you love Edward because he sits in her room all night and stares at her while she sleeps, that’s BAD.

If you find yourself thinking that you are worthy of being treated well by a man and won’t settle for less because you appreciated Edward’s love and respect for his “normal” lady, that’s GOOD.
If you find yourself rejecting every guy who tries to pursue you because he just isn’t as perfect as Edward, that’s BAD.

If you’re really excited about going to see New Moon because it’s a night out with your girl friends who also enjoy the books and the movies, that’s GOOD.
If you’re really excited about going to see New Moon because all of your fantasies will finally be put to live action on screen, that’s BAD.

If you wish your husband would get into shape because he has a history of heart disease and diabetes in his family, that’s GOOD.
If you wish your husband would get into shape because he’s just not as yummy and hot as Edward (or Jacob, depending on which Team you’re on), that’s BAD.

If you recognize Edward as a type of Savior character and appreciate that a character like that should point us to our true Savior and make you thankful for his unconditional love and sacrifice for His bride, that’s GOOD.
If you recognize Edward as a type of Savior character and go out seeking a man to save you the same way, that’s BAD.

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. And 95% of the people I know who enjoy the Twilight series are 99.99% in the GOOD on this game. My worry is for the 5% who miss the One to whom a character like Edward should point us. I stated in a previous post that stories like the one of Bella and Edward appeal to the hearts of women because we are created with a desire to be saved, and, deep down, we all recognize our need for a Savior.

So if you are one of those mature, grounded, believing women who enjoys Twilight for all the right reasons, take the opportunity to be a mentor to some younger ladies. Go with some girls in your youth group to see New Moon (again, by now, since it’s been out 48 hours—you know they’re all gonna go see it more than once) and then go out for coffee or ice cream and talk with them about that they like about it and why they enjoy it and what they can get out of it for their own lives and loves. Take the chance to engage their brains instead of allowing them to think they are passively enjoying “brain candy”. Don’t be naïve to think any of us take in entertainment and remain neutral to it; anything we passively take into our minds shapes our perceptions and outlooks on life.

Go forth, enjoy Edward (or Jacob) for all the right reasons, and guard your hearts against loving them for all the wrong ones.

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Is Twilight Emotional Porn?


Much is made today of the devastating effects of pornography in the lives of men. Articles and books have been written by the thousands outlining the emotional, financial, time and relational impact of porn addiction. I work for a ministry that deals everyday with the effects of pornography. We have learned that men are wired to respond sexually to visual stimulation—I have been told by numerous men that, try as we might, women will just never understand the power of lust and the battle they fight against their sexual desires. I believe them.

Sometimes I wonder if the damage done by pornography is felt more by the women in the lives of these men than by the men themselves. Porn gives men an unrealistic expectation of how women should look and behave. Because men tend to be visual creatures, they respond to what they see. When what they have in real life doesn’t match up to what they have trained themselves to respond to on TV or the computer screen, they turn to those images for satisfaction. The problem is that no woman meets those expectations; not even those women themselves. They are airbrushed actresses, playing a part in a fantasy that cannot come true in real life. There are few things more damaging to the self-worth and emotional well-being of a woman than to feel like her husband is more attracted and sexually connected to an image on a screen than he is to her.

What, you may ask, does this have to do with the book series Twilight? Just like men tend to be stimulated visually and crave sexual connection, women tend to be wired emotionally and crave relational connection. In the past couple of years, I have watched middle and high school girls become obsessed with this book series and its characters. Recently, I have begun watching my friends in their twenties and thirties become equally caught up in the lives of the characters on the pages. More than any other character in the series, the obsession really lies in Edward Cullen, the teenage vampire heartthrob that loves the heroine, Bella Swan. Not only is Bella the heroine, but the books are written in first person from her perspective– as you read, you become Bella. You read her thoughts, you feel her emotions, you are drawn into the story in a way that is next to impossible in a book written in the third person. Fantasy becomes your reality, and Edward is set up as the perfect gentleman—he loves Bella at first site, sacrifices himself in an attempt to protect her, gives himself up to make her happy. He becomes a Messiah figure in her life, and because you are so attached to Bella’s character, he becomes your messiah, too. Deep down, we are all wired with a desire to be saved. That’s what makes the “knight in shining armor” story stand the test of time.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a man who will exemplify the standard of sacrificial love; after all, Scripture tells us that our husbands are to love us as Christ loved the church, which means he is willing to lay down his life for his wife (Ephesians 5). But in becoming obsessed with this fictional character, are we placing a standard of fantasy perfection on the fallen, sinful men who God has called to both serve and lead us? Just like pornography sets an unrealistic visual expectation for men, is Edward setting an unrealistic emotional expectation for women, particularly teenage girls?

Don’t think I’m picking on Twilight; it’s just the latest in a long line of things I would consider emotional porn. If you aren’t sure what I mean by emotional porn, have you ever been dumped by a boyfriend or been disappointed or hurt by your husband in some way and comforted yourself on the couch with a night of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan “chick flicks”? Have you ever read a romance novel or watched a movie and thought, “If only he would treat me this way?” Have you watched The Notebook at least a dozen times and still sob like an infant, wondering if you will ever have a Noah Calhoun? The expectation has been set that men should sweep us off our feet—but then never put us back down.

And that is the crux of the issue—we are looking for a fulfillment in the creation that can only be found in the Creator (Romans 1:22-25). When a man seeks a woman who is a “real life porn star,” one who was created in the mind of a man instead of in the image of God, he is ultimately worshiping himself and his desires and he will always be disappointed. When a woman begins seeking a man who will meet her every need, satisfy her every desire, she has set herself up as an idol to be worshiped both by herself and by those around her, and she will always be disappointed. Only One is described in Scripture as “the fullness of him who fills all in all” (Ephesians 1:23).

While fantasy and fiction are fun, when we become so caught up in them that we begin to expect our fantasy in reality, a line has been crossed. So if you’ve read Twilight, has it altered the expectations you have set for the men in your life? Do you think it has created a fair expectation? And, does that expectation line up with the expectation laid out in Scripture of a godly man?