relationships

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Identifying and Establishing Healthy Relationships


In October, our Women’s Ministry at church had the opportunity to hear an incredibly practical and biblically solid talk on defining and building healthy relationships. Data Vess shared with our group. She is a Professional Counselor at Summit Counseling Center in Chattanooga. In addition to being a counselor, she is a wife, mother, grandmother, and incredible friend and mentor. Data has been one of my “second mamas” for over 20 years, and I love that God has blessed me with her wisdom and love for most of my life.

Data has graciously given me permission to post her talk in sections on the blog this week as a way of sharing her wisdom with a wider audience. This first post will address what Scripture has to say about 19 different unhealthy characteristics that we should avoid in our attempts to identify godly people with whom we can establish healthy, God-honoring relationships.

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In Scripture, God identifies 19 unhealthy or unsafe personality characteristics and gives us clear instructions on what we are to do when we find ourselves in relationship with people who exhibit these characteristics.
From 2 Timothy 3: 1-5 (The MSG): “Do not be naïve. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be:

  1. Self-absorbed
  2. Money hungry
  3. Self-promoting
  4. Stuck-up
  5. Profane
  6. Contemptuous of Parents
  7. Crude
  8. Coarse
  9. Dog-eat-dog
  10. Unbending
  11. Slanderers
  12. Impulsively wild
  13. Savage
  14. Cynical
  15. Treacherous
  16. Ruthless
  17. Bloated Windbags
  18. Addicted to lust
  19. And allergic to God

They will make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they are animals. Stay clear of these people.”

A total of 19 characteristics of unhealthy or unsafe people are found in these verses.

God’s instructions are very clear to us -stay clear.

Thankfully we have a way to guard against unhealthy individuals; by setting some boundaries.

We do not have to be caught up in their lives.

God has given us instructions that can protect us from their manipulation and deceit.

If you have ever been manipulated by someone to get what he or she wants, then you understand the emotional and spiritual impact it can have on your life. Valid research and findings shows the body responds physically to the emotional and spiritual impact of unhealthiness; but take heart, there is protection. You can learn to establish healthier boundaries—-you can learn to champion your own thinking, by surrounding yourself with people who speak, think, and walk with spiritual and emotional healthiness.

A boundary line is like a property line, it is what defines the beginning of one person and the ending of another person. Research reports that individuals who had difficulty setting boundaries as a child, often have difficulty setting boundaries as an adult. We are not born with a genetic trait for setting healthy boundaries, but we do have the ability to learn to recognize those individuals who will require us to establish healthy boundaries with them for protecting our spiritual, mental, and physical health.Healthy boundaries define what we expect from individuals when we enter into relationships.

How do I learn to set healthy boundaries and not allow those boundaries to be weakened or to be torn down? It is pretty simple; you learn to tell the “Sheep from the Goats.”

Individuals who are good for us we will call sheep, (individuals who are spiritually, mentally, and physically healthy, those who seek after Jesus and will help us do the same), and those who are not, we will call goats, (individuals who are spiritually, emotionally and physically unhealthy and will try to lead us away from a growing relationship with Jesus).

In Matthew 25:31-46, Jesus describes a time when He will ultimately separate people as sheep and goats, but He has given us descriptions of both types of people in the Bible for our help and protection in this life, and in later posts we will look at both types of people and how God intends us to be involved in healthy relationships that will bring Him glory.

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The Protecting Shadow of Jesus


I read a student essay today that I wanted to share with you all.

The question was: “With which anonymous person in John 7-9 do you relate most and how does this specific story fulfill John’s purpose for writing as stated in John 20:30-31?”

A basic “reflect and let me see you get it” essay. I wasn’t expecting anything too terribly profound. Then I read this.

I hope that, when I grow up, I love Jesus half as much as this 9th grader. She chose to write about the woman caught in adultery:

“I relate to her because I’ve been caught sinning, maybe not as publicly, but I know the humiliation. I also know the feeling of Jesus’ shadow over me, protecting me and standing between me and my accuser. It doesn’t make the situation any less humiliating, but it does help me realize that I don’t need man’s approval because I have a Savior that will back me up every time.”

God has me “teaching” these kids b/c I have SO MUCH to learn from them. What a beautiful description of our Savior.

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“Before I Was Even Born?!?”


This is the very first book I bought for Arwen. I bought it for her at the Smithsonian while on a school trip, the week before she was born. I’ve never been nervous to travel. In fact, I have a dose of wanderlust in me that can be difficult to contain at times. But this particular week, I was terrified to travel. Terrified because my sister-in-law’s due date was quickly approaching and I did NOT want to be in Washington, DC, while my niece was coming into this world. I called every day to check on progress and effacing and dilation and had back up plans for flying home if needed.

But I made time to buy her a book. And not just any book. An Alphabet book of cool paintings and weird animals. A wicked expensive book because I bought it at the Smithsonian. Her first book.

Tonight I was hanging out with her at her house. She knows I love books as much as she does, and we straighten up her bookshelves and talk about her books and read a few of them every time I go over there. At the bottom of the shelf I found this, and it made me smile thinking about how long it took me to find the first book for the firstborn of the next generation of Masons.

I spent nearly a half hour looking through all the options they had. I read them and thought about which one I wanted to be a family heirloom. I pondered the quality of the books, thought about how it should really be gender neutral so it be enjoyed by all other future kids. It needed to be educational, not just entertaining, special and not hokey, and as theologically sound as a book can be when you’re buying it from the Museum of Natural Science at the Smithsonian. Thus the reason we ended up with a hardback Alphabet book.

As I held the book in my hands, Arwen came and sat in my lap and said, “That’s my animal alphabet book.” I told her, “I know! Did YOU know that it was your very first book?”

“My very first book?” she replied in complete amazement.

“Yes,” I said. “I bought it for you before you were even born.” And I then proceeded to tell her the whole story about being in DC, about taking SO much time to pick out the perfect book, just for her, about the snow storm that threatened to keep up snowed in up in DC, and about how nervous I was that I wasn’t going to get home in time to be there when she was born.

She sat perfectly still (a RARE feat these days) and listened to the whole story. When I finished, I fully expected her to, with all the depth and reflection and appreciation of a two year old, to just ask me to read it to her.

Instead, she looked at the book, looked back up at me and said, “You bought it before I was even born?”

She was absolutely dumbstruck that I thought about her before she was born. Not only that I thought about her, but that I took the time to pick out something just for her.

Before she was born. She was loved. Thought about, planned for. Dreams were dreamed for her. Lives were imagined. Books were bought. She was chosen and loved well before she was born. And she simply couldn’t believe it.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you…”
~Jeremiah 1:5 ESV

She was loved before she was born. But so was I. And so were you. And not just by your family. Before you were born you were loved. You were set apart. You were created with a specific and unique calling. You were chosen. Thought about. Looked over. Anticipated. Before the foundation of the world, the God of the universe knew your name, numbered your days, considered your ways and set them before you. Before you were born.

I am dumbfounded and amazed by that, and sometimes, like Arwen, I simply can’t believe it. But as much as I poured all the love and affection I could muster into that present for that child I had never met and yet loved, God has loved me with an infinite, unending, unwavering love, from before time began.

She was amazed by the love shown to her through a book. I am amazed by the love shown to me through a Book, too.

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Deferred Hope, Misplaced Hope


Ever wanted something, hoped for something, even though you knew, deep down, that it was unlikely or impossible?

I have. More than once. And it’s hard.

I’ve hoped for a relationship that isn’t mine to have.

I hope for friends who have blown up their lives to have a change heart and return to the Lord.

I hope that relationships that have drifted apart and changed for unknown reasons will be restored.

I hope I can be a successful advocate for the single moms I’ve come to love in a village in Uganda.

I hope I have “Teacher of the Year” days every day and that I love and teach my students well.

I hope for an e-mail from God that maps out the next 30-ish years of my life for me.

I hope for a lot of things that end in deferred hope because the hope is uncertain, misplaced.

See, hope is anxious expectation.

Like a kid at Christmas; they don’t know exactly what they’re getting, but they know they’re getting something and it’s gonna be good.

Uncertain hope is no hope at all. It’s the inconsistency upon which we build crumbling dreams and broken hearts.

Maybe you’ve experienced deferred hope, too. Maybe it had to do with a relationship, or a job, or any variety of things. Maybe you’ve made up stories in your head of what it might be if it was finally a reality one day.

Hope in the face of hopelessness can be the rope we hang on to in impossible situations. Healing. Salvation. Restoration. God things. Hope pulls us through.

But hope in the face of hopelessness can also be the rope we use to hang ourselves.

Hope in the face of hopelessness is not the problem, but the object of our hope may be.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Prov 13:12

Hope deferred can be misplaced hope.

If your hope lies in someone or something that may or may not ever actually be yours, that uncertainty can eat away at your soul.

What’s the simple, Sunday school answer to the problem?

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:4-5

But there is so much more to these verses than God, The Granter of Wishes.

When we delight in the Lord, He is the desire of our heart. And when He is the desire of our heart, no hope can be deferred, because all we have in Him is ours now.

So how to we heal a heart sick from deferred hope?

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Ps 42:5-6

Sometimes that means grieving the loss of that misplaced hope and realigning our hopes and dreams with God’s will for our lives.

Sometimes it means just giving it to Him as a the protector and keeper of your heart.

When our hope is in God, our hope will never be deferred. Our desires are altered and then fulfilled as we delight in Him and He is our tree of life.

Have you ever experienced a hope deferred? How did your heart heal?

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Out of the Mouths of Babes


My niece is 2 1/2 years old, and she is one of my favorite people on the planet. Already too smart for her own good, she can talk circles around kids her age– and most adults, for that matter. And she’s hilarious. And sometimes, she’s much more theologically sound than even the most well trained theologians I know.

Take Friday night as an example. I picked her up for a Squeaker and B Date Night. That’s pretty much an evening in which I let the 2 year old decide what we’re doing. And she has pretty good taste for a toddler. This past Friday, she picked Cracker Barrel for supper (“I want pancakes, and B, you want eggs and grits and bacon. And you want to share them with me.” Natural negotiator), and the Silverdale football game so she could do her “Rock, Chalk, Seahawk” cheer that she’s been practicing for a year.

By halftime she had worn herself out and was literally spinning in circles while talking to herself, trying to prevent early onset bedtime. As the band finished the halftime show, she crawled in my lap and said, “I have a secret to tell you.” She leaned close to my ear and said, “I think it’s bedtime, ok?” Sure, kid, that’s ok. She didn’t make it through “The Circle of Life” in the car before she was out cold.

For all of her spontaneity and hilarity, though, she also loves her routines, and not even sleep was going to get in the way of her favorite daily event– bedtime prayer. I got her out of the car, up two flights of stairs, out of her play clothes and into her pajamas without even jarring her pattern of breathing, but when her head hit the pillow and I turned to walk out of the room, she sat up and said, “Wait! I have to pray.” Already more dedicated to conversation with God than I am. Pretty sure sleep has kept me away from the throne of grace more than once.

So I turned around, kneeled by the bed and asked, “Ok, what do you want to thank Jesus for today?” I love stories of little kid prayers. Prayer time lets you into their head, to see what they’re thinking, to get a gauge on their perspective on life. I was hoping she’d thank Jesus for her totally awesome Aunt B that let her do all the fun stuff she wanted to do, or her friend Gracie that let her hang out with the big kids at the football game. Or maybe she’d be thankful for pancakes. I couldn’t wait to hear what sweet and funny things she was thankful for.

So I was completely unprepared for the convicting depth of her response.

“Ok, what do you want to thank Jesus for today?”

“Ummm, Jesus.”

Can’t argue with that, kid.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. Colossians 1:15-20

All things. That about covers it.

So what are you thankful today? I’m thankful for the reminder that it’s all about Him, and that he used my niece to remind me of that beautiful truth.