Biblical Counseling

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Identifying and Establishing Healthy Relationships


In October, our Women’s Ministry at church had the opportunity to hear an incredibly practical and biblically solid talk on defining and building healthy relationships. Data Vess shared with our group. She is a Professional Counselor at Summit Counseling Center in Chattanooga. In addition to being a counselor, she is a wife, mother, grandmother, and incredible friend and mentor. Data has been one of my “second mamas” for over 20 years, and I love that God has blessed me with her wisdom and love for most of my life.

Data has graciously given me permission to post her talk in sections on the blog this week as a way of sharing her wisdom with a wider audience. This first post will address what Scripture has to say about 19 different unhealthy characteristics that we should avoid in our attempts to identify godly people with whom we can establish healthy, God-honoring relationships.

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In Scripture, God identifies 19 unhealthy or unsafe personality characteristics and gives us clear instructions on what we are to do when we find ourselves in relationship with people who exhibit these characteristics.
From 2 Timothy 3: 1-5 (The MSG): “Do not be naïve. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be:

  1. Self-absorbed
  2. Money hungry
  3. Self-promoting
  4. Stuck-up
  5. Profane
  6. Contemptuous of Parents
  7. Crude
  8. Coarse
  9. Dog-eat-dog
  10. Unbending
  11. Slanderers
  12. Impulsively wild
  13. Savage
  14. Cynical
  15. Treacherous
  16. Ruthless
  17. Bloated Windbags
  18. Addicted to lust
  19. And allergic to God

They will make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they are animals. Stay clear of these people.”

A total of 19 characteristics of unhealthy or unsafe people are found in these verses.

God’s instructions are very clear to us -stay clear.

Thankfully we have a way to guard against unhealthy individuals; by setting some boundaries.

We do not have to be caught up in their lives.

God has given us instructions that can protect us from their manipulation and deceit.

If you have ever been manipulated by someone to get what he or she wants, then you understand the emotional and spiritual impact it can have on your life. Valid research and findings shows the body responds physically to the emotional and spiritual impact of unhealthiness; but take heart, there is protection. You can learn to establish healthier boundaries—-you can learn to champion your own thinking, by surrounding yourself with people who speak, think, and walk with spiritual and emotional healthiness.

A boundary line is like a property line, it is what defines the beginning of one person and the ending of another person. Research reports that individuals who had difficulty setting boundaries as a child, often have difficulty setting boundaries as an adult. We are not born with a genetic trait for setting healthy boundaries, but we do have the ability to learn to recognize those individuals who will require us to establish healthy boundaries with them for protecting our spiritual, mental, and physical health.Healthy boundaries define what we expect from individuals when we enter into relationships.

How do I learn to set healthy boundaries and not allow those boundaries to be weakened or to be torn down? It is pretty simple; you learn to tell the “Sheep from the Goats.”

Individuals who are good for us we will call sheep, (individuals who are spiritually, mentally, and physically healthy, those who seek after Jesus and will help us do the same), and those who are not, we will call goats, (individuals who are spiritually, emotionally and physically unhealthy and will try to lead us away from a growing relationship with Jesus).

In Matthew 25:31-46, Jesus describes a time when He will ultimately separate people as sheep and goats, but He has given us descriptions of both types of people in the Bible for our help and protection in this life, and in later posts we will look at both types of people and how God intends us to be involved in healthy relationships that will bring Him glory.

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Shame Before Jesus, CCEF Session One


I. We have all been humiliated by the shame of either our sins or the sins of others.

Shame requires us to seek out covering, inclusion, cleansing. These are things we can only receive from Christ. We are drawn to the Holy One, we reach out, touch Him, and He touches us back.

Shame matures. The longer we allow shame to exist in our lives, the more it grows. We are forgiven, we know in our heads that we are, but over the years, shame of our sin (or sin committed against us) actually grows.

There are some sins we all “get.” We talk about them and everyone nods their heads in understanding. But some sins are not understood by the majority. We are shocked by them, and those people are shamed, even after being forgiven. They are identified by their sin, isolated, rejected, often for years after the events have ended.

Example: Naomi. She is shamed in every way possible in her society. Widowed, childless, landless, poor, sojourner. But by the end of the story, “Jesus is lying in her lap.” She is in the line of Christ, elevated to honor by the Holy One.

Those dealing with shame are the ones God is looking for. He seeks them out. The healing of shame requires inclusion, and Christ includes us, brings us in.

The Characteristics of Shame:
1. You are Different. Isolated.
2. You are a Failure. You don’t measure up, either to your own standards or to the standards of others.
3. You are a Fraud. Especially in the successful. “If I am found out…”
4. You are Rejected. People avoid “those people” as if we still function under the law of clean and unclean.
5. You are Violated. Someone has committed a shameful act against you and you take on that shame, internalizing it.

This is the American experience/identity. We are individuals, alone, setting out to prove ourselves, rejected when we don’t measure up to the standards of the society around us.

II. How does God reach into shame?
1. The Exposed are Covered.
God covers them with animal skins. Yes, a sacrifice. Perhaps, “If you want to behave like animals, dress like them.” Consequence of sin is shame needing to be covered, and sometimes the covering we end up with is just as shameful as the initial event.

BUT…
Exodus 28: The priests are exquisitely closed n garments of dignity and honor. They wore a turban with the phrase “Holy to the Lord” inscribed on the front.

The priests represent the people, and the people know that. THEY are clothed in dignity and honor. THEY are holy to the Lord. They are slaves, freed from bondage, clothed with dignity.

2. The Outcast is Accepted.
Adam and Eve are cast out of the Garden, but the are pursued by God. This pattern permeates all of Scripture.
God pursues the shamed.

God pursues exiled people.
Hosea 10: To a disgraced, exiled people, God says, “Call me ‘MY God’.”

Hosea 2:16 “My husband.” An exclusive, accepted, chosen relationship. PERSONAL pronoun.
Anyone can call your spouse by his or her name, but you are the only one who can call them “my husband” or “my wife.” There is a special love and intimacy related to personal possessive terms.

Isaiah 55: To share a meal is an intimate experience. To a shamed people, God says, “Come.

3. The Contaminated are Cleansed.

Isaiah 6: An unclean man, shamed by his sin, falls before the Lord. “And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!”

Through a seraph, an intermediator, something holy, something of God, touches Isaiah and he is made clean. The shamed man goes from “Woe is me,” to “Here am I! Send me!”

III. Guilty and Shamed by Association
In the Garden, to be associated with the serpent is to the separated from God.

Isaiah 54: What does God say to His people about shame and association? He claims the culturally shamed, a barren, single woman. God says, “Do not fear, you will not be shamed, for your Maker will be your husband.”
We are associated with God, you take on His reputation. Shame has no longer has a place in us.

IV. Conclusion

1. Guilt and Shame are paralyzers. We cannot grow and mature in Christ with guilt and shame in our lives.
2. Feel dirty, shamed, rejected? Every page of Scripture is about you. God pursues you. You belong. POSSESS HIM: “My God.”
3. For the shamed to be allowed to take on the name of an honored person is shocking. God turns to us, gives us His favor, places His name on us, calls us His own.

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Musings on Guilt, Shame, and Redemption, CCEF Session Four


Notes from Ed Welch’s plenary session at the CCEF National Conference.

Shame is THE human problem. Shame for what we do. Shame for things done to us. BUT the lowly are raised up as they are associated w/ Christ.

The consequences of the cross on shame. Jesus took the humiliation and rejection of shame on the cross. FOR US. For our sin. For the consequences of the sins of others on us.

Paul gave musings on shame in his writings… “I thought I had overcome shame. Pharisee of Pharisees, but Jesus accepted ‘them’.” Jesus took the shame of “those people” and my shame was still present.

The cross was the height of shame. He wasn’t just murdered, but crucified. The royal identifies with us, and crossed boundaries into the cesspool of shame so we can identify w/ Him.

Faith is essentially saying “Help.” My life is now bound up in another.

Paul heaped shame on himself, like Christ, to relate to the shamed. When the right person absorbs shame, it loses power.

Paul expected shame from his enemies. But he received shame from his own church (2 Cor). In ministry, we can be shamed by our own. But that is also sharing in the shame of Christ who was rejected by His own.

Corinthians say, “Prove yourself.” Paul says, “I love you. Love me in return.” Unheard of apart from Christ.

When there are only 2 categories, clean & unclean, the clean can be touched by the unclean and the unclean always wins. But w/ Christ, there’s a 3rd category– HOLY. When the Holy touches the unclean, Holy wins.

Philippi was a culture of reputation. So Paul tells them of a king who empties Himself (Phil 2). Paul also emptied self (3:7). He challenges us to do the same. Become people of no reputation.

The shamed know their neediness, but usually turn inward and isolate, to cover, to hide. In Christ we can turn to Him and say “help.” He becomes our covering.

Our biography is no longer our own reputation, but our association with Christ. This is how we are to see other believers, through the glory and holiness of Christ.

As a holy one, touch the shamed, bring them in. Love them as Christ. Invite them to dinner. Hug them if needed. Be people of hope.

What about Peter? Denied Christ, knower of shame. What does he say of those in Christ? 1 Peter 2:9-10.

9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Be blessed, chosen ones.

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God, All-Sufficient


From The Valley of Vision, pg. 214:
King of Glory, Divine Majesty,

Every perfection adorns thy nature and sustains thy throne;

The heavens and earth are thine,

The world is thine and thy fullness.

Thy power created the universe from nothing;

Thy wisdom has managed all its multiple concerns, presiding over nations, families, individuals.

Thy goodness is boundless; all creatures wait on thee

                                                                         are supplied by thee,

                                                                         are satisfied in thee.

How precious are the thoughts of thy mercy and grace!

How excellent thy lovingkindness that draws men to thee!

Teach us to place our happiness in thee, the blessed God, never seeking life among the dead things of earth,

or asking for that which satifies the deluded;

But may we prize the light of thy salvation,

                       implore the joy of thy salvation,

                       find our heaven in thee.

Thou hast attended to our happiness more than we can do;

Though we are fallen creatures thou hast not neglected us.

In love and pity thou hast provided us a Saviour;

Apply His redemption to our hearts,

by justifying our persons,

and sanctifying our natures.

We confess our transgressions, have mercy on us.

We are weary, give us rest,

              ignorant, make us wise unto salvation,

             helpless, let thy strength be made perfect in our weakness,

             poor and needy, bless us with Christ’s unsearchable riches,

             perplexed and tempted, let us travel on, unchecked, undismayed,

             knowing thou hast said,

“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

Blessed be thy name!

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Weary Grief and Desolate Healing


He [Herod] sent and had John beheaded in the prison, and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother. And his disciples came and took the body and buried it, and they went and told Jesus. Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. ~Matthew 14:10-14

If you ever want to see the combination of Jesus’ deity and humanity, it is in this account.

His cousin, his partner in ministry, no doubt one of his dearest friends, had been beheaded. The voice that made straight the way in the wilderness had been silenced by a drunk, prideful man. It makes sense that Jesus would want to withdraw, be alone and grieve.

Yet, in the midst of his human grief, His divine compassion overruled and He healed their sick and eventually fed the 5,000.

The last couple of years I have experienced some things that made me want to withdraw and go to a desolate place, and I have looked at this passage several times to try to understand how Jesus dealt with hurt and exhaustion and grief in ministry.

But to really see that Jesus was dealing with more than just the loss of His cousin in this passage, take a moment and put this event in the context of the previous chapters in Matthew.

In Chapter 12, while Jesus was healing and teaching, he was repeatedly challenged and attacked by the Pharisees. He was helping people, and the “religious people” were working against him. I counsel people who deal with sexual brokenness, so I’ve been attacked by people who claim to speak for God. It’s painful, and it’s exhausting.

In Chapter 13, Jesus had been teaching some pretty intense things to his disciples. And they didn’t get it. Seven times he puts a parable before them in an attempt to explain the Kingdom of Heaven to them and, more times than not, He has to explain His explanation to them. And at the end of it all, they never got it. As a teacher, I know how frustrating and exhausting it can be to try to find a way to make something “click” with your students and nothing seems to work.

After all of this, He went home, to Nazareth. Surely, in His hometown, He would find rest and love and acceptance. Instead, it says his hometown folks were “astonished” and “offended” by His presence and teaching. Their unbelief literally drained him of his power and He could do no works in their presence.

This is the state of Jesus’ heart and mind when his disciples bring him the news about John. He experiences loss. In the last two years, I’ve witnessed and experienced loss. Literal, physical loss in the death of a student and, most recently, in the death of a dear friend and encourager in the ministry. I’ve watched families grieve loved ones and loss of homes after two series of devastating tornadoes. I’ve experienced the loss of relationships that have been near and dear to my heart that, from my current perspective, seem irreconcilably broken.

He is weary. And He wants to be alone. And so He withdraws to a desolate place.

I have been weary. I want to be alone, to withdraw to a desolate place.

But the needs follow Him.

And I feel like they follow me.

Don’t they always?

I think this is why those of us in ministry have such a hard time getting away and really resting in the Father. In the backs of our minds, we know there are always needs.

In my case, this is where the similarities with Jesus end. Same circumstances, different reactions.

When I am weary and I need to withdraw to be with the Father, I tell myself to get it together.

I keep my nose to the grindstone. And instead of having compassion on those who have needs, I begin to resent them. So now I am weary, frustrated, exhausted, hurt, grieving, and bitter.

What a servant.

I have read this passage so many times in the last three years and I’ve thought, “See, Jesus was tired, but He pressed through and He kept serving. Servants set aside their needs and help others.”

Oh, how the enemy deceived me with a sweet piece of Scripture, taken out of context and twisted to fit my prideful little Messiah complex.

Read the story in context with me. After Jesus feeds the 5,000, this is what comes next:

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone… ~Mt 14:22-23

Immediately.

And notice that it doesn’t say “immediately the people realized how spent Jesus was, so they departed to let Him rest.”

He made them leave. He made His disciples leave first. Those with whom He worked.

Probably because they wanted Him to keep working.

Then He dismissed the people.

Then He went alone to be with the Father.

This is the lesson that the Father has been so patiently trying to teach me the last couple of years.

1. There are always going to be needs to meet.
2. As long as we say yes, people will continue to ask you to meet them.
3. If Jesus was weary, hurt and grieved to the point of withdrawing, why should I think I would be any different?
4. Only when we withdraw and allow the Father to heal us are we able to see His miracles in our lives. He cannot use a servant incapable of working.

Where do I see that fourth lesson? Check out what happens after Jesus spends that day alone with the Father.

And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” ~Mt 14:25-33

While it was undoubtedly cool to see their buddy Peter walking on water, and I can’t imagine what it was like to see the wind obey Jesus, I have to think that it was the culmination of all they had seen the previous few days that led to their declaration of Him being the Son of God.

To see Him respond with genuine human emotion to confusion, rejection, grief, and unceasing demands.

To watch Him display divine power in multiple miracles.

To witness His sovereign wisdom in saying “no” for a time in order to go be with the Father.

And then to see Him come to them, in a time of need, and begin serving again.

That is the example of our Savior.

That is an example that I have failed to see so often, and God has very recently and very literally reminded me that rest is necessary; for our hearts, our bodies, our minds.

And just like God did in the Old Testament, when He gave the land the 70 years of sabbath the Israelites had taken from it, when we don’t take that rest as He commands, He will often give it to us in humbling ways.

Learning to rest.

Learning to withdraw to desolate places.

Learning that it’s ok to take the time to grieve and to heal, just like Jesus did.

That’s what the Father is teaching me right now.

What is He teaching you?