Four weeks ago, a friend from Beauty for Ashes invited me to join a Facebook group called “One Word.” It is a group of women who declared one word that summed up their goals, dreams, and prayers for 2015.

I boldly posted my word: “FEARLESS.”

I want to walk this year in a spirit of power and a sound mind.

I want to enjoy serving without the distraction/crutch of my own school work.

I want to quit waiting for my life to begin and I want to LIVE, now and well.

I want to embrace who I am, strengths and weaknesses, struggles and victories, propensities and empowerment.

I want to lead and teach and serve and see new parts of the world and unexplored areas of my own life and potential.

I want to shatter my fear of “when” and “what if” and LIVE.

Three weeks after declaring my word “fearless,” one of my best friends from high school delivered twins, and I spent days seriously contemplating how I felt about the prospect of motherhood not being part of my journey in this life. At 35, motherhood has a real expiration date that is no longer an abstract idea. And for me, that is not a fear inducing possibility.

Being single doesn’t scare me, not having my own kids doesn’t leave me with a sense of being incomplete or less than. Truth be told, I like being free to serve others, and, selfishly, to not serve when I can’t– or just don’t want to.

While singleness or childlessness does not scare me, what is terror inducing is the phone call I received the day after I met those babies this week. I learned that my home study is being considered, not for fostering, but for adopting. A 16 year old.

FEAR. What do you with a 16 year old?!? I spend 8-12 hours a day with them in a classroom and on a court, but at home???

Do I trust He has my best interest at heart, knows my end from BEFORE the beginning?

I’ve had many friends open up about their sexual identity and attractions and struggles, and I’ve started talking more candidly in small groups when people ask why I’m still single. But I fearfully wonder, “Can I REALLY be open with others about who I am, what my struggles are, without fear of their responses?”

Can I be honest about the fact that fearlessness is a front, a wall that protects my insecurities from a watching world?

“Fearless” is a tested word. And test day is here.

Tested in my seriousness in my declared desire of sharing my life with a child who needs a family.

Tested in being honest within community about who I am and how God is working that out in me.

But there is great comfort in knowing that the test giver is the perfect Teacher, and He never passes us unprepared on to the next level.

I will pass this test, walking fearlessly, no matter how many times I must be tested until I pass it.

One thought on “Fearless?

  1. I remember at the beginning of 2012, I chose the word “risk”. Because I wanted to force myself to take a big risk and depend on God, since I have a TON of fear issues and my faith is never very strong.
    That was the year that I built that little beach house. Because it took everything I had, financially, mentally, all of my extra minutes.. and it still wasn’t enough. I had to depend on God to finish it, because I couldn’t.
    And it came out wonderfully! (And then I lost my job and almost lost the house right as the builder was handing me the keys)…
    and I had to decide if I was sorry I had taken that risk. If I wish that I had played it safe. In some ways (financially) I regretted it. But in every other way I would never regret it. Playing it safe wouldn’t have been nearly as educational, for one. đŸ˜‰

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